TITLE: Harry Potter and the Alter Ego
FIRST PUBLISHED: May 21, 2012
SUMMARY: "Hello," said the Voice. Harry Potter looked around. He was alone. "Why do these things," he asked out loud, "always happen to /me/?"
oOo
-Part One-
—
"Hello," said the Voice.
Harry Potter looked around. He was alone. "Please don't tell me I'm hearing voices."
"Ok," said the Voice.
"Oh no, I AM hearing voices!"
"No you're not," said the Voice.
"Really?" Harry asked hopefully.
"You're only hearing ONE voice."
"Oh," said Harry sarcastically. "Because that's so much better."
"It really is," the Voice said.
"Well, that's nice."
"Sarcasm doesn't suit you," the Voice said.
"How do you know? You've never met me."
The Voice sounded as scandalized as a disembodied voice can. "I know you as well as you know yourself. I am Ronald Potter."
"Ronald Potter?"
"No relation to your best friend. I am, in fact, your alter ego."
"And how come I have never met you until now?"
"Because," said Ronald, with an unmistakable aura of smugness, "I have not been your alter ego for long. Less than a day, in fact. Before that, I was Voldemort's Horcrux, residing in your head."
"…Ah," Harry said. There didn't really seem to be any other way to respond.
"Now, I was thinking," said Ronald, "Harry is really much too bland. Too… normal. I mean you're the Boy-Who-Lived. You need a better name. I was thinking…" he paused dramatically. "Roonil Waslib."
"Roonil Waslib. You mean the thing Ron's pen wrote when it stopped working."
"Exactly! It must have been FATE!"
Harry covered his eyes. "Why do these things," he asked out loud, "always happen to me?"
"Come now, Waslib," Ronald said. "Cheer up! Now that you have me, you'll never want for help! I can turn your life around. I will in fact! Now, the second thing you need is a cape."
"AAAAAH!" Harry screamed.
One week later, Harry Potter admitted himself into Azkaban.
—
-Part Two-
—
"Finally…" Harry said. He was surrounded by Dementors, reliving the worst parts of his life; but the Voice was gone.
"Waslib… How could you do such a thing to me?"
"What—Noooooo! Ronald!"
"I remember when you yelled at me," Ronald said in a broken voice. "And the time you set your cape on fire…the beautiful cape…" He started to sob. "And that time I tried to help you with your girlfriends and you tried to drown me! No—No—no… and the time—"
Harry screamed and closed his eyes.
—
-Part Three-
—
Harry Potter knelt in front of Voldemort. "I'll do anything for you," he said. "If you will get rid of Ronald."
"Who's Ronald?" Voldemort asked, looking around. They were alone.
"It doesn't matter—I just want him GONE!"
"Very well," Voldemort said. He said a spell.
For a moment, no one said anything.
Then Harry Potter jumped up. "He's gone! For good! Finally I am free!"
He grinned. "Thank you, Voldemort."
Voldemort, meanwhile, was whimpering in terror. "No…no…I DON'T WANT A CAPE YOU IMBECILE!"
He paused, and his eyes grew even wider. "You don't understand—you can't—Balloons? ALL EVIL WIZARDS DO NOT NEED TO HAVE THEIR FACES ON BALLOONS! AND I DO NOT LOVE BELLATRIX!"
—
It was said Voldemort would be defeated by a power he knew not. They were right.
THE END