TITLE: The Coconuts of Camelot
FIRST PUBLISHED: Apr 27, 2012
SUMMARY: related to One Day, in the Desert, in that it was another one my sister & I made up. A bit of a crossover with Monty Python, The Hobbit, and other things I can't remember at the moment.
oOo
Once upon a time, there were two coconuts. They were sad, because they thought they had no use and meaning in the world. "Other people do some good," they moaned, "but we can do nothing. Look at that horse over there, so proud and strong—he is very useful."
So they decided to be a horse. They went to a knight, and asked him, "how would you like to have a horse who never tires, who you need never feed, and who makes the most pleasant clop-clopping noise with his hooves?"
The knight answered. "Sure," he said. "I would like that. Where is he?"
And the coconuts answered. "Right here."
"What?" the knight laughed. "You're just a pair of coconuts!"
And the coconuts went away and cried.
But that was not the end for the coconuts—soon, they would meet a knight who would have need of their services, on the quest for the Holy Grail.
A knight and his servant were standing around a table, and on the table were coconuts.
"What are those coconuts doing here?" Arthur asked.
"I have no idea," Merlin answered. "Perhaps they were left here by the Monty Python people."
"Of course!" Arthur said. "That must be it. Well, we'll just have to return it to them."
So they set out, with their knights, riding on real horses, with the coconuts in a bag; and soon they came to a forest.
They rode through the forest, and they soon came to a smooth, white tower, with a window at the top. And a girl was looking out of the window, and she had the longest, most beautiful hair, done up in a braid. And her name was Rapunzel.
Well, actually, her full name was "Rapunzel the Sleeping Beauty of the White Snows."
And they called up to her, "Who are you?"
And she said, "My name is Rapunzel the Sleeping Beauty of the White Snows."
And they asked, "Why don't you come down?"
And Rapunzel answered, "Why would I want to come down? I don't want to come down; you're all men. Anyway I'm waiting for my prince to come rescue me."
"I'm a prince!" Arthur said.
"Well you don't look like a very nice one," Rapunzel answered.
Then Arthur sulked.
Then Merlin went up to her. "Want some coconuts?" he asked, holding them up.
"What would I want with coconuts?" the princess answered.
So then Gawain came up to her and whistled a song, to try to make her come down, but she only slammed the shutters in his face.
So, after they had all tried, and failed, to get her to come down, they rode away.
They rode through the forest, along the path, until they came to a wide black river, with a bridge leading across it.
So they went along the bridge, but when they were in the middle, it started to turn invisible, and they barely got to the other side before it disappeared.
And their horses were still on the other side.
They could have gone back across, but since the bridge had no sides, they were afraid to fall into the black river.
But they still had the bag with the coconuts.
So Arthur took the coconuts out of the bag and said to Merlin, "Here, bang these two coconuts together so we can have a horse."
And Merlin said, "No way! We're not the Monty Python people, and I won't do it."
"Fine, then," said Arthur, "I'll do it."
So he started to bang the coconuts together.
"Giddyup!" Merlin said.
"You can't do that, Merlin," Arthur said. "You're the horse."
"No I'm not!" Merlin said. "You're the one banging the coconuts together, so you're the horse!"
Gawain laughed.
Arthur stopped banging the coconuts together and put them back into the bag, and he made Merlin carry them.
So they went along the path, and soon it got late, and they all became hungry. And there was a table in the woods beside the path, and it was all lit up, and the elves were feasting.
So they went off the path to eat some, but as soon as they did, the lights went out. And soon they were all fighting, in the dark. And they were all captured, even Lancelot.
All except Merlin, who made himself turn invisible.
So he followed his friends into the elves' hall, and down into the dungeons, and he was going to free them.
But as he was walking he collided with an elf, and turned visible again in his surprise.
So he was captured and put into a cell next to Arthur.
And he went to the wall and knocked on it and said, "Arthur!"
And Arthur said, "Merlin! I thought you were trying to free us!"
"Well I sort of got captured!" Merlin said, and Arthur rolled his eyes, but Merlin couldn't see, because they were in different cells.
So Arthur asked, "What are we going to do now?"
And Merlin said, "Do you still have the coconuts?"
And Arthur said, "Yes!"
And a little while later an elf, who was passing the prince's cells, heard a strange noise. It sounded like a horse.
So he went to the elf king and said, "Sire, I heard the sound of a horse clomping about in the cells of one of the prisoners!"
So the king sent some people down to investigate.
And when they came to the cell, they opened it, and saw Arthur, banging the coconuts together.
And they said, "What are you doing?"
And Arthur said, "I'm a horse."
And they said, "No you aren't!"
And he said, "Yes I am!"
And so they took him to their hospital and put him on a bed and all their doctors came and stared at him, trying to figure out what was wrong with him.
But there was nothing wrong with him.
That night, he took the bag of coconuts and sneaked out of the hospital, and went down and freed his friends.
And finally they got out of the forest.
And when they came out of the forest, the dragon Smaug swooped down to burn them all to cinders and then eat them, but Merlin ordered him away, and Smaug glared at him and flew back to his mountain and his treasures.
Then Arthur asked, "What happened? Why did it just fly away like that?"
And Merlin said, "Maybe the coconuts scared him away."
And Arthur said, "Yes, that must be it."
But Lancelot knew what had really happened. He looked at Merlin and mouthed, "Coconuts?" and Merlin shrugged, and smiled.
They walked, and soon they came to a hill. There was a man on the top of the hill, sitting in a throne.
And they went up to him and Arthur asked, "Who are you?"
And the man answered, "I am Arthur, the Once and Future King."
And Arthur said, "No you're not. I'm Arthur."
"No, I am Arthur."
"No, I am!"
And there was an old man standing by the throne and he said, "I'm Merlin."
And Merlin said, "But I'm Merlin!"
And the old man said, "Well yes, you are; but I am the original Merlin."
And Merlin said, "Well I'm still…I'm still…I'm stillme!"
And Arthur and Old Arthur were arguing.
—"Uther? What do you mean? I never knew my parents!"
— "No, that's not right!"
— "Morgana, what Morgana?"
— "You mean you're not related to Mordred?"
And they kept arguing about which was the right way things were supposed to happen.
So finally they decided to leave the hill, and they walked away.
So they were walking along, when they came to the banks of a lake. And there were people standing in the lake, up to their knees in water, and they were holding coconuts.
And they asked, "What are you doing?"
And the men answered, "Waiting for it to rain, so we can drink."
And they said, "but you're standing in a lake of fresh water! Why not drink from that?"
And the men answered, "Because then the water wouldn't be in out coconuts!"
And they said, "Well, why not fill your coconuts up from the lake?"
And they answered, "No, we have to wait for it to rain so we can drink the water out of our coconuts."
And Arthur said to Merlin, "Do you think it's the coconuts that have made them crazy?"
And Merlin said, "No, I think they were already crazy even before."
And they went on, until they came to a big ditch, with a rabbit sitting at the bottom. And they were about to go down it, when Merlin said, "Wait!"
And they said, "What is it?"
And Merlin said, "There might be an ambush down there."
So they threw down a stone to see.
And suddenly, the rabbit jumped up, and killed the stone, dead.
And they said "AAAAAAAGH!"
And they decided not to go down there. They skirted well around the ditch, and came finally to a forest.
And they were on the path in the forest, when it was blocked by some knights.
And the knights said, "Niii!"
And they asked, "Who are you?"
And the knights answered, "We, are the Knights that Say Niii."
And Arthur said, "Alright then. Can you let us pass?"
And the Knights that Said Niii said, "No."
"No?" Arthur asked.
"No," Said the Knights that Said Niii. "Not unless, you bring us…a shrubbery."
"A shrubbery?" Arthur asked. "What do you want with a shrubbery?"
"We are the Knights that Say Niii. We know what we want."
"Ok then," Arthur said.
So they went to get a shrubbery.
But they couldn't find one, so they got a Christmas tree instead, and cut it to look like a shrubbery.
And they gave it to the Knights that Said Niii. But the Knights said, "That, is not a shrubbery. That is a christmas tree, cut, to look like a shrubbery."
And they asked, "Can we still pass?"
And the Nights that Said Niii said, "No."
So they went in a circle to talk. And they figured out how to get through.
They took the coconut, and filled it with gunpowder, and they had someone bless it, to make it a Holy Hand Grenade; and they lit and threw it, and it made a big "poof!" and the Knights that Said Niii scattered, and they ran through, picking up the coconut halves as they went (which hadn't broken, because they had been blessed).
And they came out of the forest and they saw a castle, and they went in. And there were people sitting there, around a round table, and the man at the head stood up.
And Arthur asked, "Are you the Monty Python people?"
And the other Arthur said, "Yes."
And Arthur motioned to Merlin, who brought the coconuts forward.
And Arthur asked, "Are these your coconuts?"
And the King looked at them. He motioned to his servant, who brought out a rack. And on it were hanging many many coconuts. "No," the King said. "We have enough coconuts, and we're not missing any."
So they gathered together to talk about what they should do with the coconuts now. "We could keep them," Merlin said. "They're very useful."
But the others reminded him that coconuts might make people go mad.
"But I think the people in the lake were mad before," Merlin said. "And the Monty Python people were, too."
But the others decided not to risk it.
So they went back, and at the last hut before Camelot, they opened the door. A hermit lived there, and they asked him if he would like a coconut.
And the hermit said, "Of course! Now I can have two extra bowls to eat my oatmeal in."
And that's what he did.
THE END